Saturday, August 22, 2009

Commercial for Investment Co.

Man in a dark suit and bowler hat comes out of the woods with a large birdcage filled with dollar bills, gets on his bicycle and pedals down the road. Next morning, dressed up again in a business suit, he cycles to a different part of the woods and hangs the cage with its door open in a tree. As he is pedaling home, there are crows flying into people's windows picking up dollar bills on their countertops, coffee tables, one flies over an elderly couple by a hotel pool and swipes the change from the alcoholic drinks they just bought. The crows keep bringing the money back to the birdcage until its full. Last scene is businessman cycling back home with cage filled with just a few dollar bills and a quarter. Slogan: Ameritrade, the professional way to make money.

Weight Loss Commercial

Seeing through the eye of the camera, the video camera pans over walrus's lounging on the beach. You can hear their loud calling and seagulls. The several people behind the video camera remark how it is walrus mating season. An overweight woman in her bathing suit runs down to the surf not to far from walrus's posing for the videocamera. She lies down posing on her side holding her head up with her arm.
She is unaware that a walrus is rapidly bouncing its way over to her with the intent of mating with her. She screams and runs towards the video camera. Shot of Weight Loss Co (like Jenny Craig or Nutrasystem) etched in the sand.

Commercial for DogFood

Show a large breed dog bending over with a smaller dog standing on his back, then an even smaller dog with a chihuaha on the top (like a pyramid of dogs). The chihuaha leans over the counter at the Pet Store asking for the brand of dogfood. The checkout girl's expression is she can't believe how tall the chihuaha is as she cant see the other dogs behind the counter. The chihuaha just smiles nervously, flexing his muscles: I work out.

DiGiorno Pizza Commercial

In the back bush, a group of aborigines are sitting around their campfire. The women are sewing. They are hitting mosquitos. It's obvious they're waiting for something. The sound of a helicopter overhead as the bushmen stand to their feet,
a Dominoes Pizza delivery guy is being lowered down from the helicopter with the pizzas. As the delivery guy is being hoisted back up, the bushmen eagerly open their pizza boxes which have soggy pizzas in them. They start shooting darts at the rising delivery guy hitting him in the rear. Next evening, the aborigine children are playing and dancing around the fire. One of their tribesman is walking a long way to find a Ralphs store and buys boxes of DiGiorno pizzas with trinkets. He returns to his tribe with the pizzas and everyone is excited eating Digiorno. They are dancing on the Dominoes pizza boxes from the night before. Slogan: if it's not Digiorno it isn't worth the wait.

Jeep Cherokee Commercial

Woman and two dogs hiking in the rain, walking down the muddy cliffs. Caked in mud, they hike back up the cliff where her jeep cherokee is parked. The dogs get into the back seat shaking mud and water until the inside windows are opaque with mud.
She gets into the drivers seat completely caked in mud. She backs up the jeep smiling at her happy dogs. Later that evening, the woman is wearing a beautiful gown. She checks herself out in the mirror and gives a parting smile to her now clean dogs lying by the fireplace. She walks out of the house down the driveway with a look of love on her face. Her jeep is waiting shining clean. She gets in the car pulls out of her driveway with opera music on. Slogan: The perfect vehicle for the split-personality. Love your Jeep.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Commercial for Menstrual Medicine

Visual of a white-picket fence house with the sounds of a chainsaw, the sound of a knife being sharpened, the dog hidding shivering in the corner with the cat. The front door opens and a woman with the face of Medusa (snakes around her face) holding a chainsaw saying: honey, I'm home! Husband approaches her with a glass of water and Midol. Show them sitting on the couch with the dog and cat all lovey dovey watching the Halloween (guy with white mask/chain saw) movie. Slogan: Isn't there enough drama in your life? Find relief: Midol.

Commercial for Carpet

Three year old boy ties a red cape around his neck and climbs up on a piano bench.
In his mind he is the comic book hero Superman. He concentrates with his arms outspread and propels himself off the piano bench. As he realizes that he's not flying but falling the expression on his face turns to "rut ro". His belly hits the carpet and he bounces off of it due to its plushness. His mother comes running and the next scene is the boy with his red cape flying behind him standing in front of a fan his mother turned on. Slogan: If you're gonna fly do it on a (brand name) carpet.

Commercial for Cell Phone Co.

Guy with cell phone in the city trying to figure out all the exotic buttons on his new phone. Scrolls through a couple of screens and decides to press a pink button.
In the stratosphere, a satellite dish is opening and arming a nuclear weapon.
The guy, unaware he has just started a nuclear war repeatedly asks into the phone:
Grandma? Can you hear me? Grandma?! Happy Birthday! Slogan: When simple is better.

Men's Shoe Commercial

In an executive conference room the camera goes round under the table visualizing the pantlegs and shoes of the execs. They are discussing an important corportate take-over. Camera focuses on italian pair of shoes that gets up, walks out of the conference room door, down the long ornate/posh hall to the bathroom. The bathroom door closes as you can still hear the muffled business discussion down the hall.
The pair of italian shoes emerge from the bathroom with a long piece of toilet paper attached to one of the shoes. Camera focuses on shoes walking back down the hall, goes through the conference room door. Sudden silence. Around the table the business men are leaning over to look at the piece of toilet paper on the italian shoe. Pan up to man who is wearing the italian shoes who cracks a confident smile. Slogan: Only your Versace's can save you now.

Mercedes Commercial

Man drives up to rural home in a black mercedes as it is getting dark. Parks next to a white BMW. He takes one last look at his car, scans the woods nervously and goes inside the house. As it becomes darker, the slender hand of a woman from the second floor window drops the mercedes key next to the driver's door. At the sound of the keys hitting the ground, a pack of black wolves come out of the woods . A fight breaks out between the alpha male and his pack-mates for possession of the keys. The next morning the man walks towards the mercedes and is blocked by the black alpha male growling and lowering his head protecting his keys. A couple of the black wolves are on its roof. The man checks his watch goes back inside, gets the keys to his wife's white BMW and reluctantly pulls away from the mercedes and wolves. A few minutes later, the wife comes out the front door very nicely dressed for an afternoon of shopping. As she approaches the mercedes and wolves she pulls out a roast and a couple of steaks petting the wolves. She gets in the mercedes smiling, adjusts her rear view mirror to see the grateful wolves taking their goodies back into the woods. Mercedes, the issue is who gets to drive it.

Commercial for Chloraseptic

Female opera soprano reaching a high note. Focus on stained glass windows of opera house slightly shaking. Female singer reaches into the folds of her skirt, sprays chloraseptic in her throat and blows out all the windows with her high note.

Commercial for Eco-Bulb

Completely dark circus tent with a single flashlight illuminating brief parts of elephants, lion act, trapeze act. Last scene is clown holding up a flashlight to his face as he dances for the crowd. ECO-BULB, Saving Energy is not a Comedy Act. Whole circus tent lights up with eco-bulbs. Flashes up into the star-strewn sky to a laughing star.

Commercial for Stain Remover

Cartoon black and white woman walking down a hall with her shadow (labeled stain) following her. She becomes more and more anxious, starts running from the shadow stain. Runs down stairs into underground parking lot, she turns and sprays shadow with Stain Remover product. Cartoon police drawing chalk around body of dead stain shadow while camera bulb flashes. SECURITY IN A BOTTLE.

Anti-Smoking Commercial

Anti-smoking commercial: Model runway. All models cat walk out in fashions made out of cigarretes, dresses, hats, blouses, shoes. Camera bulbs are popping and the audience seem very impressed with the designs. At the end of the show the models line up for photo's and smoke starts forming behind them. Then their clothing bursts into flames as the models run down the runway trying to put the fire out and the audience is horrified trying to get out of the building. SLOGAN: Some fashions are timeless; cigarettes are not.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Commercial Campaign for BUD LIGHT

In a series of commerdials there are 5 athletic, competitive guys and at the end of each activity or excursion one of them either gets out of a precarious situation or doesn't fare well.

First introductory commercial: 2 SUV's pull up to sea shoreline. The 5 guys unload 5 kayaks each a different color. The red kayak has a large seal sticker on it. They draw straws. Short straw gets the red kayak to which they tie 3 or 4 really bloody steaks to be pulled behind the kayak. Short straw guy is sweating profusely. They also unloaded beer and are taking them in their kayaks. First 4 guys paddle out quickly, turn about in a row to watch their friend become shark bait. He launches his red kayak with the meat behind it. A great white shark is watching him from below, recognizes the seal and then smells the blood. Short straw guy is paddling like crazy to get to his friends but the shark is coming closer, closer.
Short stick guy is sweating, heart pounding. His friends are bent over laughing.
As the shark is moving in for the kill smelling the blood, one of the other guys in his kayak nonchalantly pops open a beer for this spectator sport. In slow motion, a small drop of beer hits the surface of the water. They are all instantly aware of a "change of current" as the shark wheels around and makes a B line to beer drinking guy. Short straw guy is SOOOO relieved he stops paddling. Realizing what he's done beer guy stands up in his kayak and throws the beer. The shark flies out of the water and gulps can and all. Back at shore, beer guy is dragging his yellow kayak back to the SUV which has a huge shark bite on it. BUD LIGHT- CAN YOU SMELL IT?

Second excursion: 5 guys ice climbing. They draw straws to see who goes first.
Short straw guy looks up the face of the massive wall of ice as they pack their backpacks. One of the other guys notices a beer missing from their stash to be enjoyed after the climb. He shrugs it off. Once they start climbing and get really high up, the short straw guy in the lead looks down at his friends all tethered together. He pulls a beer out of his back pack and while he guzzles it, a stream of beer runs down the ice. As the beer drips by each climber they put their tongues against the ice to taste it. Their tongues get stuck to the ice. The short straw guy makes his way down and uses a battery operated hair blowdryer to thaw them out.
BUD LIGHT- CAN YOU TASTE IT? The short straw guy is blowdrying his hair like a model or rock star with rock music playing while the other guys are toasting and guzzling down the rest of the beer.

Third Excursion:

Commercial Idea: Red Bull

Today I thought of a great idea for a Red Bull commercial. Imagine a row of really huge T-rex's lining up in the desert, their lizard eyes shifting nervously. Then in front of them appears a tiny T-rex as if he is going to fight off these huge dinasours himself. The huge T-rex's start to smile deviously, clawing the dirt.
The little rex takes a Red Bull out of his "pocket" and guzzles it down.
Now the big rex's start backing up as the tiny rex steps towards them breathing fire. RED BULL... IT'S A PRIMORDIAL THING.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Life in a Fishbowl

A story about three siblings who struggle with their understanding of God and life.
The oldest is a recto-colon physician living in Beverly Hills who is obsessive-compulsive. He has to re-organize his surgical instruments over and over again during surgeries, sprays door handles with Lysol, wears gloves while brushing his teeth, keeps his home meticulously clean, re-arranges his shoes in his apartment according to shade. His descent into madness is precipitated by waking up in the middle of the night realizing that a cockroach has crawled in his ear. The more he tries to get the insect out of his ear (twizer, flashlight, hot water, banging on the other side of his head) the further it lodges itself. He frantically calls his younger brother who is a turkey farmer in Iowa. His brother tells him to lie down in his bed and put a doughnut next to his ear. (to be cont)

The brother's sister is a criminal trial lawyer in NY. Ruthless, unmarried, childless and lonely.

Friday, June 19, 2009

This little blue guy is a soft, plastic dog toy! It is so "japanese contemporary" cute that I bought it as a piece of art (AT TARGET!!!) Believe me if this were on sale at an art gallery I'd be shoeless right now. And this box of Curious George is for little packets of fruit flavored snacks. Very pop art-ish. Do I need a hobby? Got lots of them. Remember, this is a crazy woman site and I can be crazy if I want to. Bottom line... just saying art is to be found everywhere.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wheel of Fortune

In a small nursing home in Bakersfield, Kansas a 35 yr old severely deformed, bedridden, cerebral palsy patient, Marvin watches game shows all day. His ability to speak clearly is hindered by his large, tardive-dyskinesia like tongue but when you concentrate you realize that he answers almost every question correctly. He has the most large, beautiful expressive green eyes in the most frightening, twitching,
convulsive, grotesque body. His roomate is Maurice, a forty year old Down's Syndrome patient who looks like Humpty-Dumpty. He wears his pants pulled up way past the bellybutton and he stutters when he talks. He is not bedridden and tottles around the nursing home looking for trouble. He is obssessed with one red sock. He folds it up again and again in his drawer and rises multiple times in the middle of the night to check on it. His other hobby is clogging up the toilets with toilet paper laughing gleefuly when the water overflows. The nursing home staff make him stand in a corner with a pointy paper hat as punishment. It never stops him. In fact he thinks the whole stand-in-the-corner routine is hilarious. His roomate, Marvin becomes irritated with Maurice's sock obsession as he can't just get up and get away from his roomate's repetitive questions as he dangles the sock over him "Have you seen my red sock? Do you like my red sock" Marvin does laugh when his roomate clogs up their toilet because the degree of Mauruce's delight is infectious. Marvin has confided in me that he dreams about being Spiderman. Marvin's mother, who is nearly 90 yrs old lives in the same nursing home but in a different wing. She comes to stand silently over her son without saying a word to him. Apparently, when she delivered Marvin and would not put him in an institution, her husband left her. When his mother is standing closely by his bed they just silently hold hands. You can tell Marvin really loves his mother even if they can't communicate and watches her leave the room with a look of worry and sorrow in his eyes.
Another character in the nursing home is an alcoholic irish gentleman, Jerry, who is confined to a wheelchair, but wheels himslef all over the home, singing loud, drunken irish drinking songs. His nose is really red like a clown. He moves his arms like a conductor and belts out anywhere. He stays out of his room so much, he's like a homeless man in the building. Marvin finds him hysterical and laughs till he has tears in his eyes in response to the entertainment. There is an old Russian woman who shuffles around the halls in her slippers mummbling expletives in her native language. Another deeply disturbed 60 yr old male patient wanders the halls, clinging to the walls and daintily avoiding major portions of the floor. He sees fetus's and worries that he will step on them and harm them. He also obsessively checks out all the trashcans, dumping them out and going through each piece of trash to make sure an embryo has not accidentally fallen in. Sometimes, he sits at the front door of the nursing home and screeches at those who enter to avoid traumatizing the molecular-sized innocents.
Also an old italian man who has a bad habit of banging his private parts while young nurses are present, carefully studying their horrified response etc. The matronly administrator of the building is very peculiar herself and likes to decorate her office with lavish artworks and rugs. She carries herself like a queen and seems to demand an almost deity level of respect. This nursing home and all its colorful beings would make an award-winning movie especially if Jane Campion directed it(to be cont.)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Rope

Play. Begins with curtain closed and a haunched gargoyle on a pillar right stage in front of curtain who narrates the play. The audience has been given a small piece of gold rope with their Program. The curtains open to an old man searching for kindling branches in the frozen woods. He doesn't have anything to bundle his collection so he is frequently dropping the boughs. From left stage (approaching the old man) is a large gargoyle with wings, dragging by a gold rope, a shrouded human corpse. He is completely gleeful as he has killed the human lover of the wood nymph that he himself loves. When the old man sees the demon, he drops his branches and falls to his knees begging for his life. Due to his cheerful state, the demon decides to play with the old man and tells him if he can answer 3 questions correctly, not only will he let the old man live but he can, upon winning, ask for any one thing in the world and it will be given to him. The stage turns from a winter wood to a gaudy Jeopardy-like game show with the demon being the host. The old man answers all three questions correctly and despite his good mood, the demon is a little irritated that his toying has backfired on him. The stage turns back into the snowy woods and the demon asks the old man what his wish is. The old man notices the gold rope around the neck of the corpse and decides that it would make a nice binding for his kindling. So he asks for the rope. In the meantime, the wood nymph appears hiding in the trees and laments the death of her human lover. The demon and the old man are not aware of her presence. All of the frosted trees are her maids in waiting and had informed her of the demon's act. The demon hands over the gold rope while secretly putting a curse on it. The wood nymph counteracts the curse and puts a good-luck spell on it. The old man takes the rope, ties up his kindling and returns home. When he arrives home, his only daughter is in distress as she has just found out she is pregnant. The old man in a rage, takes the gold rope to her daughter's illicit, married lover and strangles him to death with it.
The old man is imprisoned for life and he gives the gold rope to his daughter. During childbirth, the baby is breached and the midwife uses the gold rope to save the babies life. And so begins the curses and blessings related to the rope for this family through the centuries. Until... a descendant becomes aware of the magical effects of the rope and decides to throw it out, back into the woods. (Of course thre are a lot of scenes I'm leaving out but I'm just getting the premise down.)
The rope lies on the forest floor for years until discovered by a group of children, playing in the woods, use it to tie up a tire to swing on. The complete disregard for the power of the rope by human children angers the demon and breaks the spell (both good and bad). This signifies the strength of mankind over good and evil regarding his/her choice to take control of their own fate and accept the consequences thereof. The haunched, narrating gargoyle opens his wings as the curtain is falling and flies over the audience to the balcony to silently watch the audience exit the auditorium. The audience leaves with a bit of gold rope to remind them.


Apparently slugs actually do have teeth like sharks (2,500 of them) that shed and the body contains some kind of anesthetic "slime" to ward off predators. If you lick a slug (you're gonna have to be either bored out of your mind or on some kind of hallucinagenic to wanna do that) but it'll leave your tongue numb. I view slugs like homeless snails and think their little tentacles are cute. I really need to get out more eh?

medieval architectural chair

Received new medieval architectural chair today. It's absolutely beautiful. (I was so hoping it would be heinous and I could send it back!) I love medieval and egyptian artifacts or replicas but I draw the line with suits of armour and leering gargoyles although I confess I have always wanted to wear a black hooded cape with glow in the dark yellow contacts while walking Mufasa and Boo on Halloween.
Have never done it yet, but I should just for fun. Unfortunately Boo becomes very nervous around large groups of people or noisy kids so the last 4th of July party I took her to in Marina del Rey... let's just say her head was spinning around like Linda Blair in the exorcist with green foam coming out of her mouth. Mufasa, her brother, is like a pothead... he just doesn't care. You could hit him upside the head with a frying pan and his expression wouldn't change. Once during the summer we were hiking in the hills (it was really hot) and along the path I heard, as well as Boo because she ran off like she'd been shot, a rattlesnake. So I see the weeds jostling further and further away (Boo) and I look ahead of me and there... standing astride the coiled up rattlesnake, is Mufasa. Now he's not deaf, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed either... his big ole head was twisting back and forth like: should I be concerned? I literally had to throw rocks at him to move him off of that rattlesnake. Then the snake just uncoiled, slinked off mumbling something about brainless canis lupus's. Seriously, if Mufas and Boo were human kids, Mufasa would definitely be on the special bus and Boo would be on major antipsychotics.
Both of them are sweet as can be though. Do you think I have too much time on my hands? Right now I do... I'm inbetween projects. Anyway, goodnight.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Bee, the Possum and the Snail

There's a lot of things going on in the world today. I guess there always is. I'm trying to stay focused on the good, the pleasant, the forgiving and keep my mind off of all these young women killing their children, fathers killing their sons, people killing themselves- BAD STUFF. Sometimes if I just concentrate on insects, animals, trees, the cliffs, the ocean it puts things into perspective. I was hiking the other day with Mufasa and Boo and noticed all the butterflies, the bees, the birds, even the shape of rocks that caught my eye- ALL GOOD. Then I came home amidst all of my material things and they just made me feel guilty. Imagine if a bee had to fly around with a hundred dollar bill on its back- HEAVY. I really like bees. They seem so industrious and clever. Some time ago, a whole swarm of bees built a hive under the awning of my front door. My flowers were blooming like they were on acid!
But... first it started with not being able to read on the patio (I was really into Louise Gluck during that time. The bees seemed to like her style almost as much as I did as they would buzz and flit between the pages). After a few more months, I could put my ear to the wall just inside the door and hear a beautiful but ominous buzzing like the house was made of machinery. I still could not bear to intervene.
Then, one morning I tried to leave my house, opened the door and there was the largest swarm of bees I have ever seen in my life. It was so un-nerving that I felt like it was one of the Apocalyptic signs. So I had to call the exterminators BUT...
told them I did not want the bees killed. They used some kind of phermone that signaled to them that the hive was contaminated... so they packed their bags and flew away. Actually, they just re-located to this huge evergreen tree across the street so it's like joint custody. Now, there is this possum who has set up residence on the roof. In the dark his white face glows like a little moon (what a great idea for a children's book... but probably has already been done) and he moves
like an arthritic old man. His tail is ringed like a tree. He would be ugly if he weren't so strange. He's very concerned about Mufasa and Boo and sits and watches them from the roof as if they've pooped on his lawn. Oh and we have a lot of snails and slugs. Did you know snails eat meat? How they get anywhere fast is beyond me... but if you leave a small piece of meat outside, they gravitate towards it.
I've watched them at night with a flashlight and they just look like they are chowing down! I think they must "gum" their food... I don't think they have teeth.
One of the most disturbing feelings is to step on one barefoot. NASTY and of course, the guilt. I don't think anyone should even step on an ant if they can avoid it.

Monday, June 15, 2009

"À mon seul désir" or The Lion, The Horse and the Fire

I just bought a beautiful replica of a medieval French tapestry- "À mon seul désir". So I researched it and found out that it is a series of tapestries based on the six senses and each one of the pieces depicts a lion, a unicorn and a lady. As a child I had recurrent dreams about a lion, a horse and a fire, so I was struck by the similiarity between my dream and these tapestries. About the dream:

First of all, the whole dream occured in a dead silence. I am standing on what is a concrete field with the corner of a barbed wire fence in front of me. On the other side of the fence is a green pasture and facing me is a fire with a lion to its right and a horse on its left. As the dream progressed I would slowly approach the barbed wire fence. The closer I came to the corner of the fence or to climbing over it, the more agitated (in silence but raring up and pawing the ground) the horse would become. The lion sat still as a stone glaring at me with the fire between it and the horse. When I reached the fence, the dream would start all over with me dreamily walking towards the fence never proceeding over it. I would wake up in a sweat and had this dream maybe 20 times between the ages of 9and 12. When I was in college and introduced to theology, philosophy and Freud (have a minor in them which means I'm stupid with a certificate!) I decided to interpret this dream to see if there were psychological significance. At this time, I realized that Freud's dream interpretations were male chauvinistic and overtly, if not perversely sexual. So I realized that dream symbols were very subjective e.g.
Freud might think a knife is a male apparatus while someone else might view a knife as a form of comfort used to defend themselves. I listed all symbols of my dream and then like the Rorschach inkblot test quickly wrote down what that symbol meant to me. When I pieced it all together I was truly amazed at how this dream reflected what was going on in my life at the time. I think our dreams are very useful in trying to understand what our subconscious is trying to tell us. I try to keep a dream diary and it is like very inexpensive therapy!!! Anyway, next entry I'll let you know what this dream meant but... here is a bit of information about those very interesting French tapestries:

The Lady and the Unicorn (French: La Dame à la licorne) "is the title of a series of six tapestries woven in Flanders of wool and silk, from designs drawn in Paris in the late fifteenth century,[1] The suite is often considered one of the greatest works of art of the Middle Ages in Europe.

The tapestries are commonly interpreted as depicting the six senses - taste, hearing, sight, smell, touch, and "À mon seul désir" (meaning: "to my only desire"), often interpreted as love or understanding. Each of the six tapestries depicts a noble lady with the unicorn on her left and a lion on her right; some include a monkey in the scene. The pennants, as well as the armor of the Unicorn and Lion in the tapestry bear the arms of the sponsor, Jean Le Viste, a powerful nobleman in the court of King Charles VII.

The tapestries are created in the style of mille-fleurs (meaning: "thousand flowers").

The tapestries were rediscovered in 1841 by Prosper Mérimée in Boussac castle (at the time, the subprefect of the Creuse) where they had been suffering damage from their storage conditions. Novelist George Sand brought public attention to the tapestries in her works at the time. The cycle is currently held in the Musée de Cluny (Musée du Moyen-Âge), Paris (France), where it has resided since 1882.

These tapestries are also the central theme of the novels "The Lady and the Unicorn" by Tracy Chevalier, and "The Seventh Unicorn" by Kelly Jones. Recently two 'historical novels' of Pith Schure have seen the light under the title "La Licorne and .....". Together with the final one - expected to be published in 2009 - those will make up a 'trilogy' on the subject.

By the way, did you know the term "chauvinism" is derived from Nicolas Chauvin, a semi-mythical soldier under Napoleon Bonaparte who is supposed to have served in the French Revolution and the Napoleonic Wars (1789–1815). Despite the unpopularity of Bonapartism in Restoration France after 1815, Chauvin was said to be an ardent supporter and was often seen wearing a violet in his lapel, the symbol of his deposed Emperor. According to the myth, he remained fanatically loyal despite his poverty, disability, and the abuse he suffered. Interesting...

Weird Things I Can or Can't Do, Want to Do, Love to Do or Won't Do

1. Can eat liver and onions while watching Dr. G. Medical Examiner
2. Can't eat avocado after catching tadpoles
3. Want to go to a comedy amateur night with my friends and laugh like hell when they bomb (it's okay if they laugh at me too)
4. Can't fly without being sedated (if general anesthesia were available I'd pay extra for it). Lik Woody Allen said: it's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens
5. Can do my own plumbing (drain kings are fun, snakes are more effective, I know the difference between ABS and PVC and learned a cool trick of putting wonderbread in a pipe to keep it dry when you need to blowtorch and flux it)
6. Can crawl under a house despite claustrophobia and fear of spiders (I have to dress like a Ghostbuster with goggles but I do it)
7. Love forensic shows and autopsies (although this does not make a good pick up line)
8. Can't get orchids to re-flower
9. Can train a wolf to set a table, say please and dance to jazz
10. Love to find the most exotic recipes and try them out on my unfortunate friends
11. Can't speak much spanish after 2 years of it in high school (no habla espanol is about it). I must have been texting (oh who am I trying to fool... back then texting meant opening a book!)
12. Can't text
13. Never used a Bluetooth that hasn't driven me crazy
14. Don't have tatoos nor bumperstickers on my car
15. Love my jeep cherokee (despite some mechanical issues)
16. Can't work on my own car (but I can add more oil, change a battery and recognize the "about to explode" warning light)
17. Don't trust mechanics, tarot card readers or people that knock on your door with "your going to hell" pamphlets
18. Don't do drugs (I'm crazy enough without them)
19. Have a theory about the origon of the universe originating from the implosion of black holes (Einsten hasn't returned my calls. This doesn't mean that I don't believe in God, I do... someone had to have a blueprint)
20. More in awe of poets, artists, veterinarians, neurosurgeons, rocket scientists than rich men or celebrities
21. Can't drink vodka without throwing up
22. Can't stand Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt (I wish someone would find them another planet to live on, we've heard enough)
23. Is Madonna dead yet?
24. Think Nancy Grace is one of the most rude women but for some strange reason I like her (she has the expression of a pissed-off bullsnake)
25. Think Grant (from TAPS) is cuter than Jason (hey! they're plumbers!! What better profession to find a "leak" in the paranormal piping?!)
26. Had paranormal experiences (but I've never been possessed, levitated above my bed or spoken in demon tongues...remember I can't even speak Spanish)
27. That Bolovoiscki-icki guy who tried to sell a senate seat has bad hair (I'm assuming his beautician is the same one Trump uses)
28. Used to have a crush on Capt Kirk but he aged badly (is that guy on prednisone or what?)
29. Collect too much (mainly art, archaeologic pieces, sculpture, wolves,persian rugs, architecture magazines and TONS of poetry books)
30. Can't stand prissy women or men who work out so much they look like popeye
31. Should pray more
32. Should relax more
33. Want to be more charitable
34. Burn too many candles and accidentally lit my front gate on fire (I just tell people I'm going for the rustic look with the burn pattern)
35. Have bought things and snuck them into the house and act surprised when my husband asks me if something is new (WHAT?!! no, we've had that FOREVOR!)
36. Love blonde-haired, blue-eyed swedish men (okay... just the one I married)
37. Love the fact that I don't have to date (I'd rather have a prolapsed uterus)
38. Wanted to get into falconry but didn't like the fact that you have to keep the bird in a cage, with blinders and hungry enough to come back to you when its hunting
(sounds ALL wrong)
39. Like to daydream
40. If I could go back in time I'd be in the medieval ages living in a castle with horses, falcons and wolves (only drawback they had really bad dentition and the whole plague scene is not appealing)
41. Was in France once and it's true: they don't like Americans or maybe it was just me
42. LOVE my iPod and my little Shuffle (1500 songs and counting)
43. Collect rocks and sea wood that look like creatures or modern art
44. Most beautiful place on earth: Palos Verde's cliffs in the rain
45. Used to rock climb but my rear end is not flattering in those harness's from below
46. Love to rollerblade
47. There's a possum loose in my backyard that drives my wooves crazy (he's actually kind of cute sitting on the roof in the dark... he looks so...thoughtful)
48. Have a "NO CATS ALLOWED" on my backyard fence (who knew they couldn't read?!)
49. Dont' really have any enemies right now (I'm definitely capable of making ones in the future)
50. Have bad habits but like to call them "indiscretions"
51. Once thought about being a nun but never heard of a nun that surfs or rollerblades (those skirts would be REAL dangerous on blades)
52. Did I say I need to pray more?
53. Would love to write a novel but I can't concentrate long enough to complete one(have numerous titles, plots, screenplays and a few loose screws)
54. Like to piece broken things back together (they look so much more "archaeologic")
55. Think King Tut's right-hand man murdered him
56. Would LOVE to see the Iceman mummy
57. Think Coffee Bean is better than Starbucks
58. Like children's books especially Dr. Seuss
59. Really round, smooth stones calm me down when I rub them in my palm
60. Don't like to wash dishes
61. Get a rush when standing in front of original artwork such as Van Gogh, Picasso and Gauguin (among others)
62. Like classical and opera music but feel pretentious when people in the next car can hear it (belting out to Rigoletto is considered odd in so. california)
63. Rap music irritates me
64. Still upset at the Soprano finale
65. Think Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive but in a weird way
67. Real Housewives from Orange County, Atlanta and the Bronx is a completely unflattering depiction of women at their richest, back-stabbing, materialistic, egotistical and unintelligent state
68. Am not afraid of snakes (used a stick to move a rattlesnake from a hiking path. He was actually very accomodating once he realized I was just trying to nudge him along)
69. Once found a snakeskin on the backwall of my closet as a child (we lived on a farm). It looked like the snake decided to hang its coat along with my clothes.
70. Hate ticks (when I was a kid my "mean" brother... he's actually very nice now...
picked a dozen of them off the dog and put them in my bed.)
71. Wrote a short story in high school "THE CAT" that my teacher wanted to publish
(its about a Nazi war criminal hiding in the midwest and is driven crazy by a starving, stray black cat that keeps brings back his memories of the holocaust)
72. Do have a fascination with Death
73. Think some dark things are really beautiful
74. Didn't date until my second year of college
75. Got mugged once while cycling through Culver City along the channel
76. Love the movie "Ghostbusters" (so many funny lines: Back off, man, I'm a scientist", "I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing", "The superintendent is going to be pissed!", "Cats and dogs living together in sin")
77. Jane Campions THE PIANO was the most dark, beautiful movie I've ever seen